Si yo pusiera una moneda en un recipiente cada vez que un paciente me comenta que su padre fue alcohólico durante su niñez, ya tendría varios de esos recipientes llenos. Y es que la cantidad de veces que escucho esto en mi consulta es tal, que he decidido escribir sobre esto porque me parece que aquí hay un dato importante en nuestro caminar a través de los ataques de pánico.
Como saben ya he mencionado por años desde la publicación del
libro, que papá y mamá son los encargados de darnos protección, seguridad y
amor durante nuestra infancia; sin embargo, no siempre es así, por varias
razones los padres no siempre pueden proveer estas enseñanzas, muchas veces
porque ellos mismos no tuvieron quien se las dieran, y es por esto que muchos
de nosotros crecemos sin saber cómo es sentirse seguro y amado.
En el caso de los hogares con un padre alcohólico, esto es todavía
más marcado pues no solo papá no está en condiciones de proteger a sus hijos en
su estado de ebriedad, sino que muchas veces representan además un elemento de
peligro pues algunos despliegan episodios de agresión y violencia, donde los
niños son testigos. Es aquí donde “la figura que se suponía debía protegerme
ahora representa una amenaza para mi madre o para mí y mis hermanos”, y el niño
debe enfrentarse a la inseguridad, al estado de alerta más agudo por la
supervivencia a una edad muy temprana.
En los casos en el
que el padre no es agresivo se produce de igual manera una ruptura interna,
pues el infante siente que debe adoptar una posición adulta y de protección hacia
su padre. En muchos relatos los pacientes me han comentado estar despiertos
hasta altas horas de la madrugada, esperando a que su padre llegue; angustiados
porque a su padre no le haya pasado nada y en el momento que aparece, muchas
veces comienzan su rol de cuidadores procurando que no se golpee, que
permanezca acostado en su cama o inclusive después durante la resaca.
Resulta muy interesante cuando pregunto a los pacientes: tu
papa sufría de depresiones o ansiedad? Y muchos de ellos después de unos
segundos responden: si, ahora que lo
pienso, mi papa tomaba mas cuando estaba ansioso por algo; o: si, ahora que lo dice, me parece que mi papa
siempre llevo una tristeza que no compartió con nadie. Y no es de extrañar
esto, pues el alcohol es uno de los ansiolíticos que no necesita receta médica,
así que lo más seguro es que papá también sufría de problemas ansiosos,
problemas que trató de ocultar de la única manera que conocía, de la única manera
aceptada por la cultura machista, pues llorar, hablar de mis sentimientos y
buscar ayuda no están dentro de la lista de permisos de un “hombre bien hecho”.
Es así como no solo vemos los padecimientos pasar de una generación
a otra, sino también vemos cómo son llevados hasta su punto de ebullición gracias
al alcohol. La oportunidad de sanar viene en esta generación de hijos que
tenemos más oportunidad de buscar ayuda, donde no vamos a “ahogar nuestras
penas” con un traguito sino que vamos a buscar la raíz y sacar de ahí lo que
viene creciendo como cadena familiar.
Comprender lo que pasó con papá es importante porque sana,
él hizo lo que hizo porque no tenía los conocimientos, herramientas y permisos
que hoy en día tenemos; y ahora que entendemos lo que pasó y de dónde viene
todo lo que hoy llevo como inseguridades, puedo explicarle a mi niñ@ interior y
convertirme en la figura de protección y amor que tal vez no tuve de pequeñ@.
If I put a coin in a jar every time a patient tells me that his father was an alcoholic during his childhood, I would already have several of those full. It's becauseI hear these stories so often in my private practice, that I have decided to write about it because it seems to me that here is an important fact in our walk through panic attacks.
As you already know, I have mentioned for years since the publication of the book, that mom and dad are in charge of giving us protection, security and love during our childhood; however, this is not always the case, for various reasons parents cannot always provide these teachings, many times because they themselves had no one to receive it from, and this is why many of us grow up without knowing what it is like to feel safe and loved.
In the case of households with an alcoholic father, this is even more marked since, the father, not only is not in a position to protect his children in his drunk state, but many times he also represent an element of danger, as some explode in episodes of aggression and violence, where children are witnesses. It is here that "the figure that was supposed to protect me, now represents a threat to my mother or to me and my siblings", and the child must face insecurity, the most acute state of alert for survival at a very young age.
In cases in which the father is not aggressive, an internal rupture also occurs, since the infant feels he need to adopt an adult and protective position towards the father. In many stories, patients have told me they stay awake until the wee hours of the morning, waiting for their father to arrive, anguished, wishing nothing happens to their father; and the moment he comes home, the child often begin their role as caregiver, preventing dad from falling or hurting himself, or even later during the hangover.
It is very interesting when I ask my patients: did your dad suffered from depression or anxiety? And many of them after a few seconds respond: yes, now that I think about it, my dad drank more when he was anxious about something; Or: yes, now that you say so, it seems to me that my dad always carried a sadness that he did not share with anyone. And this is not surprising, since alcohol is one of the anxiolytics that does not need a prescription, so it is most likely that Dad also suffered from anxiety issues, issues that he tried to hide in the only way he knew, the only way accepted by the macho culture, because crying, talking about feelings and seeking help are not part of the list of the "well done man".
This is how, not only do we see the diseases pass from one generation to another, but we also see how they are brought to their boiling point thanks to alcohol. The opportunity to heal comes to this generation of children who have more opportunity to seek help, where we are not going to "drown our sorrows" with a shot of tequila, but we are going to look for the origin and work from there what has been growing as a family chain.
Understanding what happened to dad is important because it heals, he did what he did because he didn't have the knowledge, tools and permission that we have today; And now that we understand what happened and where our insecurities come from, we can explain to our inner child and become the figure of protection and love that perhaps we did not have as a children.
If I put a coin in a jar every time a patient tells me that his father was an alcoholic during his childhood, I would already have several of those full. It's becauseI hear these stories so often in my private practice, that I have decided to write about it because it seems to me that here is an important fact in our walk through panic attacks.
As you already know, I have mentioned for years since the publication of the book, that mom and dad are in charge of giving us protection, security and love during our childhood; however, this is not always the case, for various reasons parents cannot always provide these teachings, many times because they themselves had no one to receive it from, and this is why many of us grow up without knowing what it is like to feel safe and loved.
In the case of households with an alcoholic father, this is even more marked since, the father, not only is not in a position to protect his children in his drunk state, but many times he also represent an element of danger, as some explode in episodes of aggression and violence, where children are witnesses. It is here that "the figure that was supposed to protect me, now represents a threat to my mother or to me and my siblings", and the child must face insecurity, the most acute state of alert for survival at a very young age.
In cases in which the father is not aggressive, an internal rupture also occurs, since the infant feels he need to adopt an adult and protective position towards the father. In many stories, patients have told me they stay awake until the wee hours of the morning, waiting for their father to arrive, anguished, wishing nothing happens to their father; and the moment he comes home, the child often begin their role as caregiver, preventing dad from falling or hurting himself, or even later during the hangover.
It is very interesting when I ask my patients: did your dad suffered from depression or anxiety? And many of them after a few seconds respond: yes, now that I think about it, my dad drank more when he was anxious about something; Or: yes, now that you say so, it seems to me that my dad always carried a sadness that he did not share with anyone. And this is not surprising, since alcohol is one of the anxiolytics that does not need a prescription, so it is most likely that Dad also suffered from anxiety issues, issues that he tried to hide in the only way he knew, the only way accepted by the macho culture, because crying, talking about feelings and seeking help are not part of the list of the "well done man".
This is how, not only do we see the diseases pass from one generation to another, but we also see how they are brought to their boiling point thanks to alcohol. The opportunity to heal comes to this generation of children who have more opportunity to seek help, where we are not going to "drown our sorrows" with a shot of tequila, but we are going to look for the origin and work from there what has been growing as a family chain.
Understanding what happened to dad is important because it heals, he did what he did because he didn't have the knowledge, tools and permission that we have today; And now that we understand what happened and where our insecurities come from, we can explain to our inner child and become the figure of protection and love that perhaps we did not have as a children.
